Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight?

Details have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

A few weeks ago, I was working with a couple who felt stuck in a painful pattern that had been causing distress in their relationship for years.

One partner described feeling hurt whenever his spouse pointed out that he seemed "spaced out" during conversations. On the surface, it appeared to be a disagreement about attention and presence. But as we explored the issue more deeply, a more complex story emerged.

Growing up, he had often been criticized by family members for appearing distracted or disconnected. These moments were interpreted as a sign that he wasn't intelligent enough or wasn't paying attention. As a result, he carried a deep insecurity about his intelligence into adulthood.

Through a trauma-informed lens, we began to understand something important: these moments of "spacing out" were not signs of low intelligence at all. Instead, they were brief moments of dissociation — a coping strategy his nervous system had developed in childhood.

When children grow up in emotionally abusive, highly critical, or unpredictable environments, mentally disconnecting can become a way to cope. In those situations, dissociation serves an important purpose. It helps create distance from emotional pain when there are few other options available.

The challenge is that coping mechanisms developed in childhood often continue into adulthood, even when they are no longer necessary, and sometimes when they are actually a disservice to us.

In the present day, his mind would still slip into these moments of disconnection without his conscious awareness. Unfortunately, those moments were activating something painful in his partner as well.

As we explored her experience, she described growing up feeling emotionally abandoned by her parents. She often felt unable to reach them emotionally and learned to interpret their unavailability as evidence that she was not worthy of attention, care, or connection.

When her partner appeared distant or disconnected, it brought her right back to those childhood feelings of loneliness and rejection.

What looked like criticism on the surface was actually something much deeper.

Her attempts to call his attention to "spacing out" were really protests against emotional disconnection. Beneath her frustration was a longing to feel close, valued, and important to the person she loved.

At the same time, because of his history, her comments were being filtered through his fear of being seen as unintelligent or inadequate. Rather than hearing a need for connection, he experienced her words as criticism.

Both partners were reacting to old wounds without realizing it.

The power of understanding the cycle

One of the most transformative moments in couples therapy is when partners begin to see the cycle rather than seeing each other as the problem.

As each person develops a deeper understanding of their own fears, needs, and coping strategies, they are also able to develop greater empathy for one another.

Instead of viewing his withdrawal as indifference, she began to understand it as a protective response rooted in past traumatic experiences. Instead of viewing her frustration as criticism, he began to recognize it as a longing for connection.

This shift created space for more patience, grace, and empathy when those old wounds were activated.

Why couples get stuck in repeating patterns

Many couples come to therapy feeling trapped in the same argument that plays out in the same way over and over again.

The content of the conflict may vary, but underneath it are deeper emotional needs, attachment wounds, and protective coping strategies that neither partner fully understands.

When we are emotionally reactive, it can be difficult to tell:

• What belongs to my past?
• What belongs to my partner's past?
• What belongs to our relationship dynamic?

Without someone on the outside to help couples carefully untangle this, these patterns can continue for years.

How couples therapy can help

Couples therapy can be so powerful. I have the privilege of witnessing how couples can move from blame and misunderstanding toward clarity, empathy, and connection. When partners gain awareness of the deeper emotions driving conflict, meaningful change becomes possible.

A couples therapist can help by:

• Identifying dysfunctional communication patterns
• Increasing emotional safety and understanding
• Strengthening connection and trust
• Improving communication skills
• Helping partners express underlying needs more directly and effectively
• Interrupting cycles of conflict and disconnection

My work is informed by Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), an evidence-based approach that helps couples understand and respond to the deeper emotional needs that often fuel recurring conflict.

When couples learn to recognize the fears, needs, and protective strategies driving their interactions, they can begin to create new patterns — ones rooted in connection rather than protection.

If you and your partner find yourselves caught in the same painful cycle and are struggling to understand what's happening beneath the surface, couples therapy can provide a space to slow down, gain insight, and reconnect. I welcome you to reach out to learn more about how we might work together.